Saturday, 29 March 2014

The Mirage

It is not going anywhere, she realizes. She realizes it almost everyday these days. But then, she does not know if that's what it's finally meant to be, or if things would change someday. Someday, as you say they would. She even wonders if she understands final at all, she doubts now. Thanks to you, however, that she now also knows herself enough to know this, that it has been one of her those weaknesses that has ended up shaping her life, and that was not really a good thing. What? Well, her ability to not be able to decide, to not be able to call off. To hope against hope, till the point she extinguishes. Hurt, she has caused to people, but no, not a blow. Never. Even if it were her worst of enemies, which she anyway had just very few.  (Oh okay, yes, she did do that once, and she could not be more sorry for that; but that is another story.) There, she digresses. But then, such is her mind these days! Wandering, in lack of better words. No, wait, searching could possibly explain it better. Searching, for a way, in the dark, and what she thought was light-at-end-of-tunnel as they say now pretty much looks like a mirage.

She knows that you had once set off in a similar search and had come back with empty hands. She understands. She tries to understand, at least. Yes, even if with a pang. But then, that should not mean she has to make up for all that happened. Worse, that does not tell her that you aren't yourself a mirage now.

The Mirage says, as mirages are always known to say, that it's not so. It is not a mirage. It is only that it is just not-yet, it is just another few steps away. It is just asking of her that she be some more patient, some more perseverant, some more sensitive, some more sensible, practical, reasonable, logical.... damn!

You are a mirage. You better be! Because, she gives up here, and she does not want to find out later that you were what you claim you are when she, finally, now takes back her trust. Go to hell!

PS: She told you, didn't she, that she was tired of waiting? That she has just waited all her life? That she could live with suffering, but not with waiting any longer? Yes, she is selfish. She has tried to run away from herself in a desert, for too long to even remember what she was like when she was once alive. She better learns to be selfish this once. Forgive her!

PPS: Stay away. You must know that she will give up her resolve and get on her knees once more, if you don't.