Sunday, 13 July 2014

I want it my way!

"A suicide chooses to end life that he/she found unbearable but then they decide to leave behind something imperishable. Words. 

But then if someone had the clarity of thought to pen a decent note, would they necessarily kill themselves? The debate rages.

‘Dear world: I am leaving because I am bored. I am leaving you with your worries in this sweet cesspool,’ wrote actor George Sanders.  

I am still searching for that one note I wish to write if I ever do decide to kill myself."

I just finished reading through one of those many articles you come across everyday on Facebook. Some of which you scroll through, some you ignore, some your handheld refuses you on! This one, however, reached me, and this particular ending got me stop and think.

A memory came back. As a kid I was first introduced to Mahabharata over those many nights that my grandmother told me its story in a humming tone as I slept beside her half listening and half occupied in jealousy towards my newborn brother, who then took my place in the space between my parents at sleep. The bit on "ichchhamrityu" ("you choose when you die" boon that Bhishma acquired intrigued me quite a bit. Of course, among many.

I loved it. I thought it could be the best boon of all. And, like most mortals, I guess, I thought I would also want to decide my own departure. Myself.

Growing up, and particularly in this age and time, those many news of sudden deaths over a hardly-few-minutes notice of cardiac arrests in which age hardly mattered became almost as frequently met as those many terminal illness detection and eventual treatment that left people waiting, unsure, for years if not ages. Often you hear people mention them in a clumsy way - s/he is still alive, right? 

No, neither of these really are the way I want it. Never!

Of course, I want it my way.

I don't now what the trigger will be. I don't know when I can when I can say it's 'nuff and call it off, I don't know when, precisely. my self love will cross that restless sense of duty towards the living so that I can brave it without guilt. I may still bother that they'd call me a loser, or an escapist. I may still ponder over what and who I am leaving behind, and if I could do any better. I may move, stop and come back many a times. Most obvious of all, I'll keep thinking what if the attempt fails. 

But yes, I'd still say it loud and clear - I want it my way!

I hope I can have it my way. I can only hope, as of now.

Oh, and I also hope the above sentence is correct. The "as of now" part of it. :)